Talk:Shadow/@comment-39103377-20200125150413
Woah, usually I would give things like this a decent review explaining the flaws but...with this? This can be summed up in one phrase: “utter garbage”. Let me give you a run-down of what is acceptable and what is considered indecent information/formations. 1. Lazy Introduction, Being Gay At Such A Young Age Along With Poor Grades, and Physical Abuse Within Moments For Basic Things - Now, this had to be the most disgusting idea to use as the parents’ motive for abuse. The physical abuse in every Creepypasta has a pure reason to happen or should to some extend give the reader a good insight into who we are viewing as the cause of said Creepypasta to become how they are. This, by far, was the worst introduction towards any sight of abuse, let alone the Creepypasta character itself. When I want a good origin, I expect a wonderfully planned out storyline, character development where we can label the significant events leading to the climax/conflict within the story, and not to forget that perfect conclusion to either leave the reader intrigued for more and/or give off vibes of terror within their heart. What I got instead? Well, the beginning had horrible SPaG along with the casual excuse of us being forced to listen a child rant on about their revoltingly murderous dream of desiring to escape the harsh reality everyone had to face: bullying and some people hating you for being you. Let me help you by giving you the most basic yet greatest advice to give: basic problems do not require drastic and illogical changes. Think about what you are saying to the reader when conveying your character towards your audience. Lin screams out to me “''I was abused but it never actually explained for the sake of not being cared for as well as being bullied by apparently nobody for, once again, no details nor care to describe the situations at hand. Please, kill me, I wasn’t meant to kill because the conflict behind how I came to be were not truly the cause of my insanity. I had overreacted, please help me!”. 2. '''Poor Inclusion of Creepypastas' - Wow...Jeff is not apart of the Slender Mansion dimension nor would Slenderman hold him back from ripping apart your OC. Trust me, if it would save me the trouble of dealing with another mouth to feed and a new identity to make, I’d let Lin fade away just like her supposed sanity. For an improvement, either make your OC link into the idea and development of a lone wolf, unable to trust many and creating new strategies to obtain the necessities to surviving alone or try to at least make them an essential towards the Proxy team via making them worth the hassle of keeping a completely human entity within the mansion while ensuring that they remain alive and well enough to commit murder or gather essentials for other creatures in the team. Overall, the rating I would give the Creepypasta would be a 2.2/10. The entire block of both dialogue and writing is terrible when it isn't spaced out correctly, the SPaG for the needed sections to develop the character was just atrocious and the actual Creepypasta idea is so simplistic, it was painful to deal with and decipher much positive views of the character. We get it, abuse and bullying is terrible for everyone to experience and some Creepypastas gained popularity because they involved said issues within their origins but...You need more unique tales to tell for your character rather than "They were physically abused but I cannot explain why, they were bullied but I cannot explain how and why and then they turned insane once they were failing classes and went on a massive murdering spree before encountering Slenderman and Jeff to become a new Proxy!"...Read up on my Blog-Post about Motives for Murder and then you can understand why I don't appreciate you using basic things like that for her turning insane. Additional Errors: 1. Grades - Right, this needs to be said as this wasn't a good source for finding that needed sympathy for Lin. If the adoptive parents' children received straight As and (since you never explained where Lin came from meaning that I had to assume all the children went to the same school but Lin and her sibling came from a poor upbringing) Lin got Cs for near enough every subject, I (as a student and as a parent) would be ashamed. It doesn't matter if you had those grades and thought you could make it seem more like a tragedy rather than a flaw within her education, I would be very disappointed if Lin had terrible grades when my other children could receive better if they went to the same school. Sure, you could inform me of the "abuse" she suffered and the bullying. But, this is where I can help back myself up by using...nothing. Now, hear me out. 2 and 3. Abuse and Bullying - Nothing about these things are explained as well as I had assumed they would be. The location, reasons and timings of these were never explained but the fact that they were stated makes for lazy writing. Bullying can happen to anyone of any age, and Lin is no exception that I can make for that. Was she bullied in class, on the way home or on the way to school or on the playground? But no location nor reason could be specified by you. 4. (Obvious) SPaG - I already explained this flaw and, frankly, proof-reading what you write is essential to writing a masterpiece. Always read over what you type, even if you have to check it five whole times. 5. (Obvious) Structure - Nobodu likes to read an entire block of text, especially when dialogue and writing is mixed into the same sections together. Remember to proof-read your work and be sure to make it obvious that you understand what a "Narrative Arc" is.